The hunt has begun...

We are finally taking the plunge... with a little more than 5 weeks to go until our wedding, we are in search of a new house to purchase!

Low

Yep. I'm definitely feeling it today. That creeping feeling of sadness. I just want to get my boy and go home and never leave. In a dream world we would be able to afford to live and thrive on one income... and I know it's not possible. I have crunched all of the numbers. We simply cannot do it and it is so hard.

I just needed to vent.

Updates on feeling BLAH.

Well... it certainly has been a while. Things are good. So good. Some days are hard, but they usually pass without too many issues.

I'm starting to get that little stab of guilt when I think about how much time I spend away from Carter. It hurts. I love him so much and I feel awful that I can't spend every single minute of every single day with him. But at the same time I'm wanting to have a minute or two to myself to breathe and just be.

I feel like because I miss him so much all day it plays into the fact that he still sleeps in our bed. I love it. I love his little hands touching my arm to make sure I'm close by. I love the way his hair smells, damp with sweat from the deepest of sleeps. I love being able to hold him through the night.

Most nights.

Some nights I want to curl up into my own space and just be able to sleep without him constantly wanting to nurse.

The fact that I want that makes me feel guilty. Balancing being a mommy and being your own person is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... add an additional 40 hour a week full time job on top of that and you've got one tired, cranky, slightly crazy me.

I miss having hobbies, I miss being able to just GO. Whenever the mood hit, to pick up my camera and venture into the city, or into the mountains, or to drive around with no end destination in mind... I know I could still do some of that with the muffin man tagging along, but in doing that I have to add additional steps and prep time in order to make sure we have everything we could possibly need through out the day, but that can prove to be a bit difficult and by the time we're ready to go the moment has passed.

I've got to make time for these things though. This weekend I plan on spring cleaning, and prepping a getaway bag full of diapers, toys, extra jacket, blanket, snacks, water cup... everything we could need for a day adventure. I'm going to keep it in the trunk of the car so that we can just go when the mood strikes. I'll keep my camera by the front door so I can grab it on the way out. I have all of these ideas and plans and I just feel SO drained. But at the same time it's so difficult to fit everything into one weekend, or the few hours after work. I feel so burned out sometimes. I have no passion for anything other than being a mommy and I don't even get to do that because I'm at work... It's a vicious cycle.

How do I balance being a mom/admin/my own person? How do I balance my 40 hour work week and my 24/7 job of being a mom? How do I find an escape for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish for wanting 30 minutes to myself?

Tonight is definitely a bubble bath and wine kind of night.

It's 2016! Not only that, it's already March?! How? I don't write much... I feel like I have no time for anything really. I have the day off for appointments today and I'm finished with everything so I decided I really need to just sit and relax. Time slips away so fast these days. It's never a dull moment though. Ever. My son makes sure of that. He is beautiful. He is wonderful and wondrous. He is life and I am so in love with that little boy.

He has made our lives complete.

I hope to be able to have the time for a true update soon... for now please enjoy the pictures of cuteness.

Compassion

With everything going on in the world lately, this word has constantly been on my mind.

But it's more than a word, isn't it? It's a way of life.

I can't believe people are so ignorant. I can't believe that people are so desensitized to everything that they've lost all empathy and compassion.


My main goal as a mother is to raise my son to be empathetic, compassionate, and kind. He's only 1, it's too early to tell if it's working, but I hope that it's being ingrained into his soul.
Each night as he falls asleep on my chest I kiss his soft hair and whisper that he must always be kind, and that I hope he grows up to be the most loving, compassionate person he can be.

It scares me how much we are exposed to as social media is so readily available. As a child I had no exposure to these things, and I'm scared that it's going to be impossible to filter what my son sees. I'm not talking about completely sheltering him from the world, I want him to know that these things happen because there are and always will be evil people in this world. But I do not want him to be exposed to the hateful, horrible, ignorant and bigoted things so many people say.

I feel lucky to have been born into a country where people are allowed to say what they feel about anything and everything... but at the same time I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up and keep their close minded opinions to themselves.

Of course I can't force people to keep their idiocy in check... but what I can do is continue to raise Carter with love, compassion, and empathy, and hope that he will grow up to be someone who thinks for himself, who has an open mind and more importantly an open heart. If his personality as it is right now is any indication, he will be the most compassionate little boy around. And that makes me proud already.

Guilty.

Lately I feel like I've been very selfish, vain, and greedy. I focus so much on looking good for work everyday that I don't stop and embrace the chaos of the early morning when Carter is up and ready to go go go. I feel really guilty.

I've decided to go on a no buy break. No more makeup/clothes/unnecessary things for myself... I'm putting a cap on my morning routine of 20 minutes. The rest of my morning needs to be spent hugging my son, sipping coffee as he sits in my lap with his current favorite book. I need to wake up early and stop spending so much time on my makeup and more time centering myself for the day, more time with the boy just enjoying those extra minutes each day with him... because I know that I'll end up missing him so much during the day that I will regret not taking the time to just sit with him for a little while longer while I still can.

The sweetest dreams

Each night I watch you sleep, your small frame spread on our giant family bed, chest rising and falling with your rhythmic breathing.

Each night I curl you into my chest as you nurse and fall into a deeper slumber while I breathe in your smell, a mixture of your bubble bath and sweetness of skin.

Each night I kiss the top of your head and whisper how much I love you... I tell you to be strong throughout life, be loving, and be kind. Always.

And each night I ask that you have sweet dreams.

______________________________

A lot of people give me a hard time for letting Carter sleep with us. Yes I miss having a baby free bed and adult snuggles every night, but I love having my baby close. I always want to ask those people if they enjoy sleeping 100% completely alone and cold. I know the answer would be no. Human contact is a necessity for development. I want my child to feel completely comforted and warm and loved always, but especially at night when the world is dark and maybe a little bit scary to him.

I love being the number one source of comfort to him. I know it won't last forever and so I cherish it for as long as possible.