Updates on feeling BLAH.

Well... it certainly has been a while. Things are good. So good. Some days are hard, but they usually pass without too many issues.

I'm starting to get that little stab of guilt when I think about how much time I spend away from Carter. It hurts. I love him so much and I feel awful that I can't spend every single minute of every single day with him. But at the same time I'm wanting to have a minute or two to myself to breathe and just be.

I feel like because I miss him so much all day it plays into the fact that he still sleeps in our bed. I love it. I love his little hands touching my arm to make sure I'm close by. I love the way his hair smells, damp with sweat from the deepest of sleeps. I love being able to hold him through the night.

Most nights.

Some nights I want to curl up into my own space and just be able to sleep without him constantly wanting to nurse.

The fact that I want that makes me feel guilty. Balancing being a mommy and being your own person is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... add an additional 40 hour a week full time job on top of that and you've got one tired, cranky, slightly crazy me.

I miss having hobbies, I miss being able to just GO. Whenever the mood hit, to pick up my camera and venture into the city, or into the mountains, or to drive around with no end destination in mind... I know I could still do some of that with the muffin man tagging along, but in doing that I have to add additional steps and prep time in order to make sure we have everything we could possibly need through out the day, but that can prove to be a bit difficult and by the time we're ready to go the moment has passed.

I've got to make time for these things though. This weekend I plan on spring cleaning, and prepping a getaway bag full of diapers, toys, extra jacket, blanket, snacks, water cup... everything we could need for a day adventure. I'm going to keep it in the trunk of the car so that we can just go when the mood strikes. I'll keep my camera by the front door so I can grab it on the way out. I have all of these ideas and plans and I just feel SO drained. But at the same time it's so difficult to fit everything into one weekend, or the few hours after work. I feel so burned out sometimes. I have no passion for anything other than being a mommy and I don't even get to do that because I'm at work... It's a vicious cycle.

How do I balance being a mom/admin/my own person? How do I balance my 40 hour work week and my 24/7 job of being a mom? How do I find an escape for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish for wanting 30 minutes to myself?

Tonight is definitely a bubble bath and wine kind of night.

finding my purpose, my journey into motherhood.

So often we get caught up in the day to day that we forget to take time to sit and reflect on ourselves and think about where we are in our lives.

I've been doing that a lot lately, reflecting on myself and my past... thinking about what my future holds for not only myself, but for this beautiful little family I've built. Lately I've felt like I have lost my true sense of self. I've felt so overwhelmed with the idea of who I thought I should be versus who I truly am... and if I even know who that is anymore.

The truth is, I lost myself a long time ago.

I have had so many moments lately where I have certain memories resurface. Good memories! Memories of happiness and the carefree, enjoyable young woman I used to be... I long for those days. I regret pushing those days aside for the idea of what I thought love was and what love required of me, who it required me to be. I changed for them. I changed for friends, for family, for relationships. I changed and I forgot who I was. I left behind those memories and the girl they belonged to. I've longed to get that girl back, but I know it's not possible. It's not possible because I've changed so much. I've begun to realize I'm not so lost anymore, I've just evolved.

The moment I looked into my son's eyes the first time I held him I felt like I finally had purpose in this life again. I didn't feel like I was floating indefinitely in this great big sea of confusion we call life. I suddenly felt completely grounded and at peace. I became a mom.

I am a mother. But that does not define me.

Slowly I've started to regain fragments of my past self, finally finding pieces of my identity I had forgotten long ago. I am slowly growing and developing into a person I can feel comfortable being.

I'm on this road to self discovery, but I do not walk it alone. Through my son I am learning how to be carefree again. I'm seeing the entire world through new eyes, as he is experiencing everything for the first time, so am I. 

And so, I've created this blog to share the ups and downs of being a first time mom, of working full time, the struggles of juggling everything with my two small hands... this blog is my outlet for cataloging my journey of rediscovery of my identity. I'll also randomly post makeup related things, wedding planning (as if I don't already have enough on my plate) and other random tidbits of our lives. And I'm sure this goes without saying (as I'm sure the web address tipped you off) I will probably spend hours upon hours writing about my amazing, smart, hilarious, sweet little muffin, Carter.

Welcome to my life with my little muffin man.