finding my purpose, my journey into motherhood.

So often we get caught up in the day to day that we forget to take time to sit and reflect on ourselves and think about where we are in our lives.

I've been doing that a lot lately, reflecting on myself and my past... thinking about what my future holds for not only myself, but for this beautiful little family I've built. Lately I've felt like I have lost my true sense of self. I've felt so overwhelmed with the idea of who I thought I should be versus who I truly am... and if I even know who that is anymore.

The truth is, I lost myself a long time ago.

I have had so many moments lately where I have certain memories resurface. Good memories! Memories of happiness and the carefree, enjoyable young woman I used to be... I long for those days. I regret pushing those days aside for the idea of what I thought love was and what love required of me, who it required me to be. I changed for them. I changed for friends, for family, for relationships. I changed and I forgot who I was. I left behind those memories and the girl they belonged to. I've longed to get that girl back, but I know it's not possible. It's not possible because I've changed so much. I've begun to realize I'm not so lost anymore, I've just evolved.

The moment I looked into my son's eyes the first time I held him I felt like I finally had purpose in this life again. I didn't feel like I was floating indefinitely in this great big sea of confusion we call life. I suddenly felt completely grounded and at peace. I became a mom.

I am a mother. But that does not define me.

Slowly I've started to regain fragments of my past self, finally finding pieces of my identity I had forgotten long ago. I am slowly growing and developing into a person I can feel comfortable being.

I'm on this road to self discovery, but I do not walk it alone. Through my son I am learning how to be carefree again. I'm seeing the entire world through new eyes, as he is experiencing everything for the first time, so am I. 

And so, I've created this blog to share the ups and downs of being a first time mom, of working full time, the struggles of juggling everything with my two small hands... this blog is my outlet for cataloging my journey of rediscovery of my identity. I'll also randomly post makeup related things, wedding planning (as if I don't already have enough on my plate) and other random tidbits of our lives. And I'm sure this goes without saying (as I'm sure the web address tipped you off) I will probably spend hours upon hours writing about my amazing, smart, hilarious, sweet little muffin, Carter.

Welcome to my life with my little muffin man.