Compassion

With everything going on in the world lately, this word has constantly been on my mind.

But it's more than a word, isn't it? It's a way of life.

I can't believe people are so ignorant. I can't believe that people are so desensitized to everything that they've lost all empathy and compassion.


My main goal as a mother is to raise my son to be empathetic, compassionate, and kind. He's only 1, it's too early to tell if it's working, but I hope that it's being ingrained into his soul.
Each night as he falls asleep on my chest I kiss his soft hair and whisper that he must always be kind, and that I hope he grows up to be the most loving, compassionate person he can be.

It scares me how much we are exposed to as social media is so readily available. As a child I had no exposure to these things, and I'm scared that it's going to be impossible to filter what my son sees. I'm not talking about completely sheltering him from the world, I want him to know that these things happen because there are and always will be evil people in this world. But I do not want him to be exposed to the hateful, horrible, ignorant and bigoted things so many people say.

I feel lucky to have been born into a country where people are allowed to say what they feel about anything and everything... but at the same time I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up and keep their close minded opinions to themselves.

Of course I can't force people to keep their idiocy in check... but what I can do is continue to raise Carter with love, compassion, and empathy, and hope that he will grow up to be someone who thinks for himself, who has an open mind and more importantly an open heart. If his personality as it is right now is any indication, he will be the most compassionate little boy around. And that makes me proud already.

Guilty.

Lately I feel like I've been very selfish, vain, and greedy. I focus so much on looking good for work everyday that I don't stop and embrace the chaos of the early morning when Carter is up and ready to go go go. I feel really guilty.

I've decided to go on a no buy break. No more makeup/clothes/unnecessary things for myself... I'm putting a cap on my morning routine of 20 minutes. The rest of my morning needs to be spent hugging my son, sipping coffee as he sits in my lap with his current favorite book. I need to wake up early and stop spending so much time on my makeup and more time centering myself for the day, more time with the boy just enjoying those extra minutes each day with him... because I know that I'll end up missing him so much during the day that I will regret not taking the time to just sit with him for a little while longer while I still can.

The sweetest dreams

Each night I watch you sleep, your small frame spread on our giant family bed, chest rising and falling with your rhythmic breathing.

Each night I curl you into my chest as you nurse and fall into a deeper slumber while I breathe in your smell, a mixture of your bubble bath and sweetness of skin.

Each night I kiss the top of your head and whisper how much I love you... I tell you to be strong throughout life, be loving, and be kind. Always.

And each night I ask that you have sweet dreams.

______________________________

A lot of people give me a hard time for letting Carter sleep with us. Yes I miss having a baby free bed and adult snuggles every night, but I love having my baby close. I always want to ask those people if they enjoy sleeping 100% completely alone and cold. I know the answer would be no. Human contact is a necessity for development. I want my child to feel completely comforted and warm and loved always, but especially at night when the world is dark and maybe a little bit scary to him.

I love being the number one source of comfort to him. I know it won't last forever and so I cherish it for as long as possible.

finding my purpose, my journey into motherhood.

So often we get caught up in the day to day that we forget to take time to sit and reflect on ourselves and think about where we are in our lives.

I've been doing that a lot lately, reflecting on myself and my past... thinking about what my future holds for not only myself, but for this beautiful little family I've built. Lately I've felt like I have lost my true sense of self. I've felt so overwhelmed with the idea of who I thought I should be versus who I truly am... and if I even know who that is anymore.

The truth is, I lost myself a long time ago.

I have had so many moments lately where I have certain memories resurface. Good memories! Memories of happiness and the carefree, enjoyable young woman I used to be... I long for those days. I regret pushing those days aside for the idea of what I thought love was and what love required of me, who it required me to be. I changed for them. I changed for friends, for family, for relationships. I changed and I forgot who I was. I left behind those memories and the girl they belonged to. I've longed to get that girl back, but I know it's not possible. It's not possible because I've changed so much. I've begun to realize I'm not so lost anymore, I've just evolved.

The moment I looked into my son's eyes the first time I held him I felt like I finally had purpose in this life again. I didn't feel like I was floating indefinitely in this great big sea of confusion we call life. I suddenly felt completely grounded and at peace. I became a mom.

I am a mother. But that does not define me.

Slowly I've started to regain fragments of my past self, finally finding pieces of my identity I had forgotten long ago. I am slowly growing and developing into a person I can feel comfortable being.

I'm on this road to self discovery, but I do not walk it alone. Through my son I am learning how to be carefree again. I'm seeing the entire world through new eyes, as he is experiencing everything for the first time, so am I. 

And so, I've created this blog to share the ups and downs of being a first time mom, of working full time, the struggles of juggling everything with my two small hands... this blog is my outlet for cataloging my journey of rediscovery of my identity. I'll also randomly post makeup related things, wedding planning (as if I don't already have enough on my plate) and other random tidbits of our lives. And I'm sure this goes without saying (as I'm sure the web address tipped you off) I will probably spend hours upon hours writing about my amazing, smart, hilarious, sweet little muffin, Carter.

Welcome to my life with my little muffin man.